Why am I With a Narcissist
You may be wondering why anyone would be masochistic enough to ever get themselves into a relationship with someone who has so many characteristics of a Narcissist and who leaves you feeling so dreadful?
Why am I With a Narcissist? Free Support From Jamie Harrison Altrincham & Eccles
But the truth is that things start off very differently, at least thats how it was for Jamie Harrison. The narcissist is an absolute perfect delight right from the first day you start dating: wining, dining and gifts, nothing is too much trouble for him/her; your every whim is his/her desire; he/she is truly the perfect and charming partner.
Finding yourself in a “whirlwind romance”, he/she will appear to be all you have ever wanted in a partner and in a relationship, so much so that it all seems almost “too good to be true”, which of course it is.
At this stage you are his/her “prey”, and he/she is an expert at contriving his/her behaviour to impress you, and being sensitive to what you are wanting, until he/she has snared you. He/she has you in his/her sights as his/her next source of Narcissistic supply, so all his/her energies, shows of love, affection and fake empathy are committed to lure you.
However this “impress your socks off” stage doesn’t last, and once he/she now feels secure in the relationship (this happens most commonly at the 3 major transitions: when you move in together, when you get married, or when you start having children) there is now no longer a need for making an effort.
Without realising it, you are now owned by him/her; you have crossed over into his/her self-definition boundary. With this transition comes the expectation that you now are an extension of him/her.
This dumbfounding change can be made almost overnight, or at a more gradual pace, but change it does and victims such as Jamie Harrison know this all too well.
One woman described that for her it felt like she and his wife were in a big bubble that she had created as her reality. Her husband had freedom, and all was happy, as long as he stayed in the bubble. “There was room to move about so the illusion of freedom seemed real to him. But whenever he expressed an idea of his own, or any feelings, it was like he was stepping out of his bubble and stepping into his own, such behaviour was never tollerated by the abuser. She did not want him out there. So she tried to pull him back into his bubble, or worse, injure him mentally so he could never leave, or worse yet, disorient her so he can never find his way out.” Whatever control measure or verbal abuse it took, getting him back inside the bubble was her primary objective.
The Narcissist usually feels a great and strong love for his/her partner, but this is in essence a control connection rather than real love. There is no regard for his/her individuality, no empathy or understanding, and usually an angry assault or the silent treatment, every time he/she shows any signs of separateness.
This leaves you feeling shunned, negated, unseen, unheard, trivialised, and, as a result, also very confused, sad, and often outraged that you have been so invaded or negated, every time you express your individuality.
All the while he/she denies any wrongdoing, not being willing to recognise the devastating effects on you or your children.
How did you become a willing victim? Why you?
If you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist in Altrincham or Eccles, at some stage you might wonder why you? What does this say about you, your tolerance for pain and your sanity?
It is true that there is a particular kind of person that finds themself with a Narcissist, at least often well beyond the first indication that there is an underlying nastiness in him.
The kind of person who seems to unwittingly attract a Narcissist is someone who has what I call a “Sacrificial Self”, (which has also been referred to as Co-dependent or compliant or a deflated false self). This means you may have a tendency to unnecessarily attribute blame to yourself in situations when you haven’t done anything wrong.
Interestingly and importantly, a Sacrificial’s profile is less defended that the Narcissist, and less destructive to others, and therefore closer to achieving a healthy relationship, if you can gain true insight into what is happening and what is going wrong in your relationships and be able to develop a stronger identity and boundaries.
If this is you, during your childhood, as you were developing your real self and identity as an individual, your mother or father may have been challenged by your emerging separate self. It often happens that she or her was a Narcissist. So whenever you expressed your real feelings, needs or wants, you were abandoned, criticised or blamed. Often, your relationship with your parent was set up so that you took responsibility for meeting your parents’ needs, rather than she/he meeting your needs.
So you learned that in order to survive and experience any form of love and attention, you had to abandon yourself and “toe the line”.
As a result your individual identity may have been severely compromised.
Contact Jamie Harrison in Eccles & Altrincham For Support
Jamie Harrison is a victim of narcissistic abuse in Altrincham and offers free support via email, telephone and in the form of support groups run in Altrincham and Eccles, free of charge.